Ready to believe

I took this photo of Baby Love about a month ago.

nursing

She brought me her baby doll and insisted I nurse her. She carefully watched as I lined up my nipple with Baby’s plastic mouth, then smiled and latched on herself. She watched Baby happily while she nursed, occaisionally reaching out to caress Baby’s head or gently help hold her head in place. She nursed often over the rest of the evening, and every time she brought me Baby and made sure she was “nursing” properly before smiling and latching on herself.

Baby Love has often wanted to tandem nurse with her toys before, but never with such consistency for the entirety of all nursing sessions with one toy. Often I could even “nurse” the toy through my shirt.

This evening was extra special and touching becuase it occursed a few days after we learned we were expecting our second child.

I swear she knew somehow.

And now you know why I haven’t been around as much. The fatigue and morning sickness have been doing their best to kick my butt, and blogging during nap is largely out now since I already can’t lie on my back (and hold my computer on my legs to blog) without getting dizzy, a symptom I never got through 42 weeks of pregnancy with Baby Love. In fact, this kid is kicking it up a notch over what Baby Love did, with many symptoms I never had with Baby Love or didn’t have until much later appearing almost instantly in full force. This kiddo wants to be sure Big Sister isn’t getting all the attention!

What’s more, I hadn’t been ready to blog about this pregnancy, but it is very present in most of my thoughts. I got a not-clearly-negative-or-positive test at 7DPO (that’s 3 weeks pregnant), which is next to impossible since implantation doesn’t even happen until 6 DPO at the earliest. By 8 DPO the tests were very, very faintly but very, very clearly positive. It was so early I was very scared I’d lose the child, and something just felt….off. I’m not sure if it was hormones or fear, but I just didn’t feel like I fully believed this baby was real and was going to stay, so I couldn’t bring myself to blog about it.

Then this weekend, at 8 weeks pregnant, all of my symptoms suddenly disappeared. And I spotted a (very) little. I’d been out of town visiting family, and it was Easter weekend, so when I got home I asked my midwife her opinion. She advised an ultrasound, so yesterday, at 8w3d, I had my very first early ultrasound (I’d never had one before 19w6d with Annika). I’ll never forget the midwife saying to me, “There is your uterus, and there is your little baby, and there is your baby’s heartbeat.” I started to cry.

And now, I can believe it. This baby is here, likely to stay. After seeing a heartbeat at 8 weeks my odds of miscarriage are down to about 2%. That’s no guarantee, but it’s a pretty good chance.  So my head is finally allowing my heart to fully embrace this new baby.

I’m so excited. And terrified. And can’t wait to see how this all takes shape.

Stay strong, little baby. We can’t wait to meet you.

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