Last night I went to my first midwife appointment Even though all looked well on the ultrasound, a lot can happen in 3 1/2 weeks without your knowledge when you don’t really feel pregnant yet, so I was a nervous mess leading up to it. I mostly managed to keep the nerves healthily suppressed, but the night before the appointment I slept approximately not at all, being woken up regularly by stress dreams (which for me usually involve being chased, often by someone trying to kill me, so are quite unrestful). I tried not to think about the appointment all day. I knew we would be trying to listen for the heartbeat, but at 11w6d it was still possible we couldn’t find it, meaning I’d, at best, have to wait until the next day for an ultrasound to confirm all was well, or that it would take a long time. With Baby Love I went in for an appointment at 11 weeks to find her heartbeat and it took forever. I had had no ultrasound with her and I was terrified, laying there as the minutes ticked by, that I had lost her. The midwife reassured me that she was tiny and this was normal, and finally, a heartbeat was found. At 15 weeks I returned, expecting the search for the heartbeat to be shorter this time since she was so much bigger. It wasn’t. I again lay there on the table, sweating and stressing, as the midwife searched for Baby Love’s elusive heartbeat. She did finally found it, but not before I lost a few pounds to stress.
Going into this appointment I had spent a long time arming myself with the knowledge that it may take a long time to find the baby’s heartbeat. We may not be able to find it at all. Things would still be likely OK.
We finished up an amazing, wonderful chat with our amazing, wonderful midwife, who is so ridiculously caring and I cannot recommend highly enough, and went back to look for the heartbeat. I pulled up my shirt and down my maternity pant’s belly panel. I took a deep breath and braced myself. The midwife laid the doppler, with gel already on it, on my belly.
And the sound of baby’s heartbeat instantly filled the air. The best sound in the entire world.
I let out a small, shocked laugh and said in gleeful surprise, “That was fast!” The midwife, TED and I were all amazed at how instantly the heartbeat was found. Then I quieted down to listen as TED recoreded 20 seconds of heartbeat on his phone so I could pull it up whenever I was stressing about this pregnancy.
All in all the appointment was fantastic. I am feeling wonderful. I am letting myself love this baby. I am slowly getting past my fear that something is about to go wrong.
I can’t believe it. This holiday season, I will be a mom of two.
I can’t wait to meet you, little baby! Keep growing strong!